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Hand-bound in perfect binding format, The Alternative Idylls of The King is a collection of five poems that explores the Arthurian legends in a humorous way - an alternative to the serious approach of most other writers, and a must-have for every Arthurian addict.

Starting with The Finding of The King, a new interpretation of ‘the sword in the stone’ episode which is printed in full below as an introduction to the collection, the book also includes -

A Cautionary Tale of Sir Lancelot du Lac: how he suffers an unexpected defeat during a royal tournament.

An Adventure of Sir Gawain and The Greenish Knight: another new interpretation, this time retelling the tale of Sir Gawain and The Green Knight.

The True Morte D’Arthur: a stunning new version of this most drammatic event.

and introduces The Sad, Sad Tale of Rose Parledieu: in which the promise of true love is never more sadly denied.

In all, the 83 pages of The Alternative Idylls of The King contain 5 poems, 218 verses, 1384 lines, and c17000 words.

Copies of The Alternative Idylls of The King can be ordered through most good bookshops or through the Bookshop page of this website.

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• THE FINDING OF THE KING
• With Uther dead, the question was, who should be chosen king?
• Who should his mantle puteth on and wear his sovereign’s ring?
• For days the privy council met and thinketh hard and long,
• But who for some might seemeth right, for others seemeth wrong.
• Nor mighty lord, nor valiant knight, prepareth to agree
• That there should be a chosen one if that one was not he,
• And so with no conclusion and with time becoming short,
• They seeketh help from Merlin as a court of last resort.
• The wily wizard seeeth quick the way the land doth lie,
• And how the quest to find a king hath sadly gone awry.
• He seeeth too, but sayeth naught, by how this state might bring
• A golden opportunity for him to be the king!.
• As long as he could think of it his place hath always been
• Subservient to others, to the king and to the queen,
• But here might be a moment when his fortunes could be changed,
• His place within  the scheme of things astutely rearranged.
• It seemeth fate hath seen his plight and knocketh on his door,
• To bringeth him at last a chance to even up the score.
• With luck and skill and guile he might ascendeth to the throne.
• (And with his new found rank employ a wizard of his own!).
• So he doth listen as the lords doth tell him of their plight,
• And how they needeth help to get the matter puteth right.
• “Ne’er mind, milords.” he speaketh out. “Just leave it all to me.
• I’ll thinketh something up for sure. Come back at half past three.”
• As soon as they disperseth, he doth set about a plot.
• To maketh him the ruler of the court at Camelot.
• ‘Twould have to be for all concerned a feat of strength and might,
• But which by some contrivance only he could doeth right.
• Then as the only one who hath been able to succeed,
• He’d claim the right to be the king for having done the deed!
• But what to choose? That was the snag .What challenge could it be
• That all would fail in trying it excepting only he.
• Physical feats were not his line, and jousting was out of course,
• (The problem there, he’d never learned to sit upon a horse!)
• Yet it would have to be some mightily knightly thing to do,
• To get them to accepteth it and try to do it, too.
• He scoureth through his magic books to find a likely ploy,
• And findeth on page forty-two a scheme he could employ.
• It told an ancient legend of a sword fixed in  a stone,
• And how that he who pulled it out would taketh up the throne.
• While that could be the very thing to puteth lords at ease,
• ‘Twould leaveth no advantages per se that he could seize,
• Unless, unless by some device, some stratagem, some ruse,
• He fixeth it in such a way that all but he would lose.
• “It shouldn’t be so hard.” he thought. “to get a gadget made,
• That fits inside a boulder to secure a weapon’s blade,
• And holds it tight however much one pulleth at the thing,
• Until it is releaseth by a secret, hidden spring!
• I’ll have the blacksmith maketh one from bits of metal plate,
• As though it were a kind of lock to fitteth on a gate,
• But secretly, when none can see I’ll take it on my own,
• And fix it with some mortar to a massive piece of stone,
• Then place the sword within it, making sure it’s tightly sealed,
• And, hey Presto! just like magic will the legend be revealed.
• There will it stand in such a way that everyone will see
• How none who tries can get the sword until it comes to me.”
• That settled in his mind, he worketh quick to get things done,
• And phoneth up the smith  before the clock hath striketh one,
• “Good man,” he saith, “I have an urgent job for you to do.
• I need a special kind of lock devised by half past two.
• To keep my home protecteth from  the threat of burglaring
• ‘Twill need to have its bolt secureth by a hidden spring
• That only I can worketh, and the bolt that should be made
• Is one that should be fashioned as a thin, flat metal blade
• That holdeth tight when pusheth in and cannot pulleth out,
• ‘Til pusheth in again to turn the hidden spring about.
• Thus if it were unlocketh only when the spring uncoiled,
• Would any threat of burglaring be absolutely foiled.”
• “I’ll have it done,” the smith replied, “just as Your Worship says,
• But tell the truth, we’re seldom asked for locks alone these days.
• Now ladies belts for chastity. We’ve several here for hire.
• I’ll cometh round to fit one on if that’s what you desire.”
• “No, no. I have no need for that.” quoth Merlin in a haste.
• “The lady wife already weareth one around her waist.
• I had it fitted years ago, one day just after tea,
• But cannot now remember where I puteth down the key.
• No matter. What I really need is you to make that lock,
• And have your lad deliver it by half past two o’clock,
• And if you faileth in the task and it should not arrive,
• I’ll sendeth round some demons who will boileth you alive.”
• This threat afeared the blacksmith who immediately set to,
• And worriedly, hurriedly maketh it before the clock struck two.
• He calleth his apprentice in as soon as it was made,
• To take it round to Merlin, and to wait ‘til he was paid.
• The lad, a dimply, pimply sort, with hair done in a quiff,
• Hath large protruding earlobes, and a tendency to sniff,
• But being conscientious, as a smith’s apprentice should,
• He promiseth to get it there as quickly as he could.
• “No sweat!” he saith, “I’ll get it there. I’m sure I won’t be late.
• I’ll even help the old boy fix it on his garden gate.”
• But as he soon discovereth, there was no gate to fix,
• And Merlin by his manner seemeth up to several tricks.
• He maketh no attempt to fix the lock to gate or door,
• But puteth it upstanding in the middle of the floor,
• Then taketh out the bolt, and with a move as quick as light,
• He pusheth it back in until the key spring held it tight.
• Although ’twas just the tip of it within the aperture,
• The lad could see quite easily the bolt was held secure,
• And while the wizard pulleth it, it budgeth not a bit,
• But stayeth tight within the lock until he pusheth it.
• As soon as Merlin pusheth it, the key spring slideth free,
• And where the bolt was held before, it came out easily.
• “By Jove it works.” the wizard saith. “I’m really rather pleased.”
• “Perhaps then, Sir, you’ll pay for it.” the young apprentice teased.
• His hopes of getting paid for it were sadly somewhat rash,
• For Merlin was reluctant to be parted from his cash.
• “Go back, Lad, to the smith,” he saith. “and tell him, without fail
• He’ll getteth paid tomorrow for the cheque is in the mail.”
• Dismisseth thus without the cash the lad was rightly vexed,
• And thought he’d hang around a bit to see what doeth next.
• Instead of going back to work, the young apprentice hid,
• And watcheth from his hiding place to see what Merlin did.
• Thinking that none observeth him, the wizard started soon,
• And mixeth up some mortar in a bucket with a spoon,
• Then as the mixture setteth firm, he taketh up the lock,
• And fixeth it with mortar to a massive piece of rock.
• Much sooner than it takes to tell, ‘twas quickly, trickily done,
• The mortar and the massive rock appeareth to be one,
• And bedded deep where none could see it of its own accord,
• The lock was held and into it the wizard thrust a sword.
• Just as the bolt hath been before, the sword was now held tight,
• And stayeth put for all that Merlin pulled with all his might,
• But when he stoppeth pulling it and gave the sword a push,
• The key spring disengageth and it came out with a rush.
• Now when the lords came back again he’d take them to the stone,
• And say “Who pulleth out the sword shall rightly gain the throne.”
• Well satisfied his ploy would work and none would win but he,
• He stuck the sword back in again and went to have some tea.
• Meanwhile, the smith’ apprentice from the place where he was hid,
• Hath watcheth in amazement at the things that Merlin did
• From what he saw and others said he thinketh it was true,
• That Merlin was quite batty and non compos mentis too.
• But with more things to think about and other things to do,
• For time was surely passing (it was nearly ten past two),
• The lad put further thoughts of Merlin quickly from his head,
• And setteth off to get himself a bite of lunch instead.
• At half-past three the lords came back to see what could be done,
• And Merlin telleth them about the legend of the stone,
• And how the king would be the one who pulled the sword out free, 
• And there it was within the stone for all of them to see.
• And more than that, he telleth, just to make the contest fair,
• He’d have the stone moved overnight into the city square,
• And for the next three days, where any one could pass it by,
• The contest would be open to whoever chose to try.
• The lords were tickled pink with this, it seemeth very fair,
• That there should be an open contest in the city square,
• And much was there discussion and many bets were laid,
• On who would be the person who would free the weapon’s blade.
• Merlin of course was very pleased that things hath turned out thus,
• That what he hath suggested was accepted without fuss,
• But when the moment cometh for the wizard to compete,
• The starkly darkly truth of it was he was going to cheat.
• However, he would taketh time and wait ‘til all the rest
• Hath tried their strength upon the sword, but faileth in the test,
• Then with no lord nor valiant knight remaining to compete,
• He’d take his turn, and to their great surprise, achieve the feat.
• He would, of course, appear astonished, too, that such as he
• Should be the one in all the world to set the weapon free,
• And that, he thought, would help convince the population there
• That far from using magic, he hath done it fair and square.
• Thus it appeareth by this plan, this stratagem complex,
• He soon would be the new crowned king, the first Merlinus Rex,
• And with this thought of royalty rotating through his head,
• He tooketh leave of everyone and went straight home to bed.
• Next day the talk was all about the sword fixed in the stone,
• And who hath strength to undo it, and thus should get the throne.
• But yet for every lord and knight who tryeth out his luck,
• The wizard’s sword within the stone remaineth tightly stuck.
• All through the night they came to try, and thro’ the next day, too,
• Some even waited up to seven hours in a queue.
• But heave and haul and pull and tug  however hard they might,
• The wizard’s sword within the stone remaineth stuck there tight.
• For Merlin, things were looking good. it seemeth none could win.
• (For no one guessed the secret of the hidden locking pin.)
• He hardly could containeth the excitement in his breast,
• When he anticipateth his performance in the test.
• But even as he thinketh what it felt to wear the crown,
• The pimply smith’s apprentice and his friends came into town.
• They had the gossip heareth of a contest for the knights,
• And out of curiosity hath come to see the sights.
• They watcheth in amusement as the knights tried one by one
• To test themselves against the sword and pull it from the stone.
• They cheereth right politely at the efforts thus entaileth
• But jeereth loud each time a new contestant tried and faileth.
• But as each effort faileth and the afternoon drew on,
• And most of the contestants and their audience hath gone,
• The lads becometh bored with witnessing more of the same,
• In what to them appeareth to be just a silly game.
• And home they would have goneth ‘til the young apprentice spoke,
• He saith, ”You have to understand that this is just a joke.
• ‘Tis just a trick that Merlin made, a harmless bit of fun,
• And if you hangeth on a bit, I’ll show you how it’s done.”
• Encouraged by his comrades and the fact that there were few
• Who stayeth on around the stone to see what he might do,
• He steppeth up and grasped the sword and giveth it a push,
• And just as he expecteth, it releaseth with a swoosh.
• His comrades cheereth heartily at what their friend hath done,
• And he, still thinking it to be a harmless piece of fun,
• For there was nothing different that he hath cause to hear,
• Decided he would keep the sword to be a souvenir.
• So with his friends and with his sword he walketh down the road,
• To show his parents what he’d won, but soon the gossip flowed,
• The place was soon abuzz with talk, and word went quickly  round,
• That someone who could free the sword had finally been found.
• Soon lords and knights were clamouring to find out who could be
• The person who had cometh to the sword and set it free.
• It was, as someone sayeth then, a most important thing,
• For who it was hath doneth it was going to be the king!
• Eventually the word got round and came to Merlin’s ears,
• And he believeth none of it, but just to calm his fears,
• He headeth for the city square and  quickly runneth on,
• But when he cometh to the stone, the sword indeed was gone!
• Nonplused the wizard stood aghast, his face as white as snow,
• Knowing his plan to be the king hath seen a mortal blow.
• His trickery hath failed to bring the chance he’d waited for,
• Nor could he dare reveal himself as its executor.
• His dreams of kingship shattered thus, the wizard stood dismayed,
• Reflecting with a saddened heart the part that fate hath played
• In turning round the clever trick that should have made him lord
• To leave him with no title, with no throne, ...and with no sword!
• Meanwhile a search was under way through every place in town,
• To find whoever hath the sword  and thus should have the crown,
• And great excitement filled the air, and great anticipation
• That sometime in the next few days they’d have a coronation.
• Eventually they found the sword and with it found the lad,
• And ‘though surprised at who he was the councilors were glad
• That finally with help from Merlin’s legend of the stone,
• The search to find the next crowned king of Camelot was done.
• The lad of course believeth that the whole thing was a hoax,
• No more than just another of the batty wizard’s jokes,
• But when he went to show the council how the trick was done,
• The boulder was no longer there, the evidence was gone.
• Merlin hath taken it away and shipeth it abroad,
• As ballast in a trading ship to cover up his fraud,
• And so, despite his talk about a secret hidden spring,
• The lad hath no alternative but to become the king.
• While most accepteth this result, a few tried to protest,
• And one among the crowd spoke up, his voice above the rest,
• “’E can’t be king. ‘E’s Arfur Smiff. ‘E ain’t no bloomin’ lord.”
• But proof was irrefutable for Arthur held the sword!
• Thus was it how King Arthur came to Camelot to reign,
• While Merlin stayeth just another wizard for his pain,
• And long King Arthur ruleth well, as every monarch should,
• While Merlin in a huff retired to Broceliandé wood.
• Thus endeth the tale of The Finding of The King.